Surprise Box

Photographed by myself

Life always comes with a surprise. No one knows what it will give. Sometimes it can be something joyful, weird, or sorrowful. It feels like opening a surprise box. To some it is exciting, some feel obliged, or even scary to open it. Because no one knows the unknown that will come.

Everything started grim to me. I was hating myself for not doing good enough. I was in constant anxiety and depression. I was lost of hope because everything feels crumbled away. Then a lot of work and investment opportunities came to me and it shifted my mind. It boosted my productivity to a new level.

I got assigned to a new role in Pre-sales. I was assigned to do some demo and present the product my company has to sell to prospective customers. Not only that, but I also got assigned as a lead consultant for the first time which pumps up the pressure. The project that was postponed is also got back on track once more. All of these are happening at the same time and it tested my time management and got me even more pressure.

Months after, I got assigned to training for a new product while handling multiple projects at once. The training lasted for about 2 weeks and I have to implement the new product immediately after the training marking the first time I lead in an implementation project. My heart is about to explode because I was handling other projects as well at the time.
While all of that happening, I got the opportunity to do an investment in the agriculture industry with a friend. I also explored and tried doing investments in the stock market. It doesn’t last long but it was worth the knowledge.

I felt so excited to be able to learn a lot of new things, got a lot of new challenges, and increasing my connection throughout the process. I got a lot of praises and for the first time someone depending on me on a big task at work. I feel so happy yet exhausted because of all the tasks.

At the other window, I moved to a new better place. It is the first time I live in an apartment. I usually live by my own money but this time I decided to get some help and use my privilege once in a while despite my hate for using it. I also met someone that actually wants to be close with me after a long time. It was weird at first but they were persistent for some reason. I just play along at first since it is rare for me not to initiate things first.

I gradually got attached to them. At first, it was all platonic feelings. I feel someone actually cares about me for the first time. They taught me that it is okay to be me. It is okay to say “I love you” even though it was platonically. That my feelings were valid. It was all a first and a shock to me. Until we decided to meet up and have a sleepover.

Everything went great at first when we met up. I got to know them a lot better. I start to understand and enjoy their company more. We watch movies together, help each other cook for dinner, talk a lot of things, enjoyed memes together, cuddle and warm each other. It was great. Until I suddenly had a breakdown for no reason. They started to calm me down and all. I hate that I show my fragile side to others. Yet they still try to calm me down and lend them their shoulder. It was the first time someone did that to me and I am really grateful for that.

Days after that a feeling of affection started to emerge in me. I tried to suppress it but I can’t stop it. Then I decided to tell my feelings to them and send them gifts as thanks for calming me down on my mental breakdown time. It was a messy way of telling my feelings since I intended to do it directly but things got sideways.

I got rejected and it is to be expected. I never intended to go that way either since I know it won’t work in the end because of our difference in fundamentals. Clarification from them actually relieved me and give me a new feeling. It was the first time I confessed to someone and got rejected. It hurts yet relieving at the same time.

The rejection feeling lasted for 3 weeks. I can’t work as usual for a week, and the rest is full of anxiety, self-blame, and dark thoughts. While having this, I also have to handle the grief of a close friend that died and a lot of family-related stuff. I almost died 3 times while handling it. Life is full of surprises, isn’t it?

I am able to continue the relationship as a platonic relationship despite it won’t be as great as before. Recently I’ve been feeling uneasy every time I am around them IRL or online. It’s not because of the rejection but because I feel gaslighted with them. I always doubt myself and watch my words a lot when I am with them and it made me feel so uneasy. It has happened for a while and I decided to just move on from the relationship completely. But, let’s see how things unfold. I don’t want to be on loop on the vicious cycle once again.

I also joined a community discord server for the first time. There, I met a lot of new friends that I never expected to get from a community discord server. Thanks to friends in that server, I am being able to be more open about myself, I got pressured to be better, I got new sisters, I feel loved and able to spread love to them as well. Something I never thought I would and can do before. I have a lot of people that I care about there and I really am grateful I can know them.

I am still able to support Kano as I usually am despite there is no IRL concert, a virtual concert still can be done. I am glad her songs along with ツユ and YOASOBI songs always be there when I need them the most. I love their songs so much and it has saved me a lot of time especially during 2020 and 2021 up until now.

My 22 year has finally ended. It has been great career-wise but worse personal-wise. I can’t expect anything anymore in life. I just accept what they gave me.

Please be safe, my 23 me. Remember all the mistakes you have done and what you have learned from them. You can always rely on the usual playlists and do things by yourself as usual. Please know your limit and don’t forget what makes you, you today. Don’t lose sight of who you are like 5 years ago…